It's been so long since she last dreamt that she had almost forgotten how it felt like. Her icy cold skin seems even colder under the pale blue moon. No breath escape her. She stares at the moon for a while before pulling her jacket hood to cover her head, making sure no one sees the marks on her neck.
She walks along the busy street, pushing her way through the people hanging outside the bars. How happy they look, she thought. She wish she could to feel what they are feeling too. As she enters one of the clubs, she looks around trying to find him among the crazy flashing lights and loud noises. Then she spots him, on the second level of the club, with his hands on the railings. He smiles when he spotted her face in the crowd. She hurries past the crowd, up the stairs to look for him.
"Out of breath?", he joking asks.
"Never." She pulls down her hood and looks at him in the eye. Her purple eyes makes him uncomfortable. He quickly changes the subject,
"What would you like tonight?", he asks as he leads her past the sea of people and through a bright red wooden door.
She pauses for a moment.
"I want to dream again."
She looks around the room. It was dark and she could smell a mix of the alcohol & antiseptic wash in the air. It makes her feel light in the head. The metal beds reflect the dim lights in the room. She walks over to the side of an empty bed, reaches into her pocket and pulls out a metal key chain and hands it to him, "Here, you can charge it to this."
"This is the third time this week. You sure you want to do this?" He looks at her suspiciously.
"No questions. Just hook me up." as she lays down on the cold metal bed, she shivers slightly, not from fear but from the excitement of being able to dream and feel again.
He pushes a trolley towards the bed, pulls out a cable from one of the machines and attaches one end to the marks on her neck. "Ready?", he looks at her. She nods.
He picks up a clear glass bottle from the trolley, pours the red liquid into the machine and flip the switch.
Her body jerks violently as the red liquid flows into her body. From her neck, her skin slowly comes alive. Her cheeks turn to a lovely shade of rosy pink, as though she's been out in the summer sun. She closes her eyes and goes into a deep sleep.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Fortress
Over the years, I feel that I've built up a wall around my heart. A thick stone wall and over time, a layer of green lush vines had grown over it.
Every once in a while, I let down my guard, peeking outside to see what's outside. Everyone says that life is about taking chances. But what if with each chance that I take, another piece of me dies? Like what SATC said, when did it stop being fun and start getting scary?
I cannot agree more.
I'm not quite sure if i'm young enough to just take things as it goes. Maybe it's safer behind the walls and watch from afar?
Every once in a while, I let down my guard, peeking outside to see what's outside. Everyone says that life is about taking chances. But what if with each chance that I take, another piece of me dies? Like what SATC said, when did it stop being fun and start getting scary?
I cannot agree more.
I'm not quite sure if i'm young enough to just take things as it goes. Maybe it's safer behind the walls and watch from afar?
Monday, December 12, 2011
Lay your hands upon my bleeding heart. Gently feel the pain, please make it stop.
Nov 12th 2011, Hong Kong.
I am writing this post in my hotel room in Hong Kong. I am here for the next few days for one of my work trips. Last Saturday was my company D&D and I took special care to doll up for the occasion, hoping that he would notice me. I guess that was a mistake on my part. I guess I cannot control how he feels about me.
I am not quite sure how I feel right now. Numb, I guess. I cannot remember what actually happened. My memories are hazy. I only remember leaving his apartment on Sunday, in tears, and it was raining heavily. I got into my car and sat there, crying and screaming. I guess I was stupid enough to try again and again, thinking it might turn out different this time. I cannot remember how long I sat there crying. I texted everyone who knew about it. I couldn't drive cause I was afraid that I might just lose it and smash myself into a bus or something. Somehow, in between crying and texting, I managed to drive home. I had to get home because I was flying out to Hong Kong that might.
It actually hurt a lot. I don't think that it was his fault. I guess I have myself to blame for this because I should have listen to my guts and stop it one month ago. I was the one who gave him an opportunity to hurt me. I let my guard down and believed that this might be different. But it wasn't.
As I sat on the plane, I felt like crying again but I stopped myself. Too public. I cannot let people see me like this. I replayed what happened over the past 3 months over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong, what did I do.
It hurts.
A song popped in my head - "Lay your hands upon my bleeding heart. Gently feel the pain, please make it stop." Yes, that was what I needed.
Please make it stop.
I just want to stop feeling again. I took a chance but I crashed and burnt. I don't think I can survive another heartache again. I've deleted him from Facebook and on my mobile so that I can't text him or see his Facebook updates anymore. I cannot see him anymore. I've asked the IT guys to return his Christmas presents because I cannot bear going back to work to see the cup on my table. I just cannot deal with it.
It is not good for me.
I didn't go out for dinner tonight with the rest. Instead, I went across the hotel, bought a pack of cigarettes, a can of beer and some chocolates. I'm not a person who usually smokes or drink. But, whenever, I feel really sad, I just do it so that I can stop thinking. I took a long walk around the hotel, just randomly walking before sitting down at one of the open spaces. I lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. I chocked. The smoke stung my eyes. I stared into the nightsky, admiring the pretty lights on the buildings. I felt like crying again. I was cold. I kept thinking if you are thinking of me. I guess I should not be thinking of you anymore but you are always the first person that I thought of.
I sat there and smoked. The smell and the warmth of the cigarettes surrounded me. I was just numb. I just didn't want to be me tonight. Maybe that was what's wrong.
Me.
I know that when I get back, he would have gone home for holidays. I know it would be tough. I just need some time to get over it. I wish he will miss me because I know I will miss him. But I will try to stop myself because that is what I have to do.
I hope I have the strength to do it.
Happy Holidays,
M
I am writing this post in my hotel room in Hong Kong. I am here for the next few days for one of my work trips. Last Saturday was my company D&D and I took special care to doll up for the occasion, hoping that he would notice me. I guess that was a mistake on my part. I guess I cannot control how he feels about me.
I am not quite sure how I feel right now. Numb, I guess. I cannot remember what actually happened. My memories are hazy. I only remember leaving his apartment on Sunday, in tears, and it was raining heavily. I got into my car and sat there, crying and screaming. I guess I was stupid enough to try again and again, thinking it might turn out different this time. I cannot remember how long I sat there crying. I texted everyone who knew about it. I couldn't drive cause I was afraid that I might just lose it and smash myself into a bus or something. Somehow, in between crying and texting, I managed to drive home. I had to get home because I was flying out to Hong Kong that might.
It actually hurt a lot. I don't think that it was his fault. I guess I have myself to blame for this because I should have listen to my guts and stop it one month ago. I was the one who gave him an opportunity to hurt me. I let my guard down and believed that this might be different. But it wasn't.
As I sat on the plane, I felt like crying again but I stopped myself. Too public. I cannot let people see me like this. I replayed what happened over the past 3 months over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong, what did I do.
It hurts.
A song popped in my head - "Lay your hands upon my bleeding heart. Gently feel the pain, please make it stop." Yes, that was what I needed.
Please make it stop.
I just want to stop feeling again. I took a chance but I crashed and burnt. I don't think I can survive another heartache again. I've deleted him from Facebook and on my mobile so that I can't text him or see his Facebook updates anymore. I cannot see him anymore. I've asked the IT guys to return his Christmas presents because I cannot bear going back to work to see the cup on my table. I just cannot deal with it.
It is not good for me.
I didn't go out for dinner tonight with the rest. Instead, I went across the hotel, bought a pack of cigarettes, a can of beer and some chocolates. I'm not a person who usually smokes or drink. But, whenever, I feel really sad, I just do it so that I can stop thinking. I took a long walk around the hotel, just randomly walking before sitting down at one of the open spaces. I lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. I chocked. The smoke stung my eyes. I stared into the nightsky, admiring the pretty lights on the buildings. I felt like crying again. I was cold. I kept thinking if you are thinking of me. I guess I should not be thinking of you anymore but you are always the first person that I thought of.
I sat there and smoked. The smell and the warmth of the cigarettes surrounded me. I was just numb. I just didn't want to be me tonight. Maybe that was what's wrong.
Me.
I know that when I get back, he would have gone home for holidays. I know it would be tough. I just need some time to get over it. I wish he will miss me because I know I will miss him. But I will try to stop myself because that is what I have to do.
I hope I have the strength to do it.
Happy Holidays,
M
Saturday, November 05, 2011
烟花易冷
I guess it would not come as a surprise to say that we sort of ended things tonight. Well, sort of because we technically still have 11 days together. Why 11 days? Because its the 2 months anniversary of the first time we hooked up in Bangkok.
To be honest, I cannot say that I am surprised by it. We were lying in bed and he started the conversation by asking me "are we friends?". I have dated enough guys to know where this conversation will lead to even without him carrying on. So I took a deep breath and said yes we are, and nothing more. He went on to say how I am the nicest and kindest person he knows and he really looks up to me... Blah blah blah.. At this point, I wasnt even listening because I know that nothing that he said would make things better. It really doesn't help. I wish he would have done it via text or email. At least I don't have to listen to him trying to say things that make me feel better.
Really, nothing will help the situation.
We lay there for a while. I didn't cry. My heart ached but I didn't cry. The one thing that I am very good at is to pretend that it doesn't hurt and that I'm okay. I'm so good at it, sometimes I scare myself.
All the time on his bed, I just wanted to stop feeling. He kept hugging me and kissing me. I asked him to stop, in a joking manner, so that he wouldn't suspect that my heart was close to breaking. He kept saying things that was supposed to make me feel loved but deep down, I no longer want to believe it. There was no point. He asked me if he could see me again. I replied "Are you dying? Or am I dying? Of course you will see me again." I put on my brightest smile.
I lied. And that actually hurts. But then again, it just proves that i am alive and i can still feel something. I'm not totally dead inside. Well, at least, not yet. Not today.
He kissed my hand. I stopped him. He asked me about Bali. I said no. He asked me if he could bring me out on a date tomorrow, I said no. At this moment, I no longer wanted him to do anything with me or for me. I just want to stop feeling. I want to stack up the bricks and hide behind the fortress that I took so long to build up. There's nothing out there for me anymore. It is probably safer inside.
So, here I am, sitting alone in my car at 1.05am writing this post. I guess all things come to an inevitable end. This things died even before anyone knew about it. Well, I guess it is better this way. At least I don't have to deal with sympathy from friends.
On a side note, I think the multi-storey car park is too bright. The lights make it so bright and harsh. I just want to hide here in my car and listen to music but it's so irritatingly bright.
Fuck you people. Fuck you.
I had enough.
To be honest, I cannot say that I am surprised by it. We were lying in bed and he started the conversation by asking me "are we friends?". I have dated enough guys to know where this conversation will lead to even without him carrying on. So I took a deep breath and said yes we are, and nothing more. He went on to say how I am the nicest and kindest person he knows and he really looks up to me... Blah blah blah.. At this point, I wasnt even listening because I know that nothing that he said would make things better. It really doesn't help. I wish he would have done it via text or email. At least I don't have to listen to him trying to say things that make me feel better.
Really, nothing will help the situation.
We lay there for a while. I didn't cry. My heart ached but I didn't cry. The one thing that I am very good at is to pretend that it doesn't hurt and that I'm okay. I'm so good at it, sometimes I scare myself.
All the time on his bed, I just wanted to stop feeling. He kept hugging me and kissing me. I asked him to stop, in a joking manner, so that he wouldn't suspect that my heart was close to breaking. He kept saying things that was supposed to make me feel loved but deep down, I no longer want to believe it. There was no point. He asked me if he could see me again. I replied "Are you dying? Or am I dying? Of course you will see me again." I put on my brightest smile.
I lied. And that actually hurts. But then again, it just proves that i am alive and i can still feel something. I'm not totally dead inside. Well, at least, not yet. Not today.
He kissed my hand. I stopped him. He asked me about Bali. I said no. He asked me if he could bring me out on a date tomorrow, I said no. At this moment, I no longer wanted him to do anything with me or for me. I just want to stop feeling. I want to stack up the bricks and hide behind the fortress that I took so long to build up. There's nothing out there for me anymore. It is probably safer inside.
So, here I am, sitting alone in my car at 1.05am writing this post. I guess all things come to an inevitable end. This things died even before anyone knew about it. Well, I guess it is better this way. At least I don't have to deal with sympathy from friends.
On a side note, I think the multi-storey car park is too bright. The lights make it so bright and harsh. I just want to hide here in my car and listen to music but it's so irritatingly bright.
Fuck you people. Fuck you.
I had enough.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Crazy. Stupid. Love
It's 12.28pm and I can't sleep. I'm not sure if it's because I've taken one too many pandols or maybe I'm being neurotic again.
I think I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I'm actually seeing someone right now. After 1.5 years of being single (i was so close to reaching nun-hood), I accidentally hooked up with someone during an overseas trip, which then became a downward spiral of self-doubt, pity and borderline craziness.
I must first put in a declaration that this was totally unplanned. I had no idea what the fuck got into me. There were oh-so-fucking many red flags that it's not even funny. Firstly, he's a guy from work. I know the "Don't shit in the place that you eat" phrase. Trust me, I am FULLY AWARE. Secondly, he's not Chinese. I'm not being racist here but it just that I've never dated anyone who is from another country. Thirdly, he's younger than me. Yes, I know that 1 year and 1 week may not be that much of a difference. I'm just saying.
Moreover, he admits that he's not been a relationship / dated a girl for more than 3 months (there was one girl that he dated for 7 months but that was only because she was living in another city.)
The logical and sensible side of me tells me to start running away right now! We are close to the 3 months mark now that I feel that I should start expecting him to bail anytime soon. In a couple of weeks. My friend asked me why am I being so pessimistic, to which, I insist that I am not. I just like to be mentally prepared for his exit. The last thing I want to do is to get my hopes up and set myself up for major disappointment. (Even though, there's a tiny little part of me that secretly hopes that it could turn out differently.) 我们都希望这个他不一样.
At this point in my life, I'm really not sure if I can handle another heart ache. Maybe I should just start counting down to the 3 months mark. It's easier if I know that there's an end date.
Expiration dating.
I hate myself for being in this situation. I should have listened to myself before it was too late. I think I've reached a point of not being able to let go as easily as I like and not being able to confront him about what he really wants from at this. My guess is that he's not sure what he wants. He just wants to see how things goes. He prob likes me enough to want to see me but he sees no point in committing to it.
My thoughts right this second? This is fucking me up. It's not good for me. Despite how good he makes me feel, I know I'm just going to hit the ground harder in the end.
Oh my god. I have to end this madness.
Then again, I may change my mind the second I see him in the morning. Pray that I have the strength to resist this crazy, stupid thing called Love.
I think I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I'm actually seeing someone right now. After 1.5 years of being single (i was so close to reaching nun-hood), I accidentally hooked up with someone during an overseas trip, which then became a downward spiral of self-doubt, pity and borderline craziness.
I must first put in a declaration that this was totally unplanned. I had no idea what the fuck got into me. There were oh-so-fucking many red flags that it's not even funny. Firstly, he's a guy from work. I know the "Don't shit in the place that you eat" phrase. Trust me, I am FULLY AWARE. Secondly, he's not Chinese. I'm not being racist here but it just that I've never dated anyone who is from another country. Thirdly, he's younger than me. Yes, I know that 1 year and 1 week may not be that much of a difference. I'm just saying.
Moreover, he admits that he's not been a relationship / dated a girl for more than 3 months (there was one girl that he dated for 7 months but that was only because she was living in another city.)
The logical and sensible side of me tells me to start running away right now! We are close to the 3 months mark now that I feel that I should start expecting him to bail anytime soon. In a couple of weeks. My friend asked me why am I being so pessimistic, to which, I insist that I am not. I just like to be mentally prepared for his exit. The last thing I want to do is to get my hopes up and set myself up for major disappointment. (Even though, there's a tiny little part of me that secretly hopes that it could turn out differently.) 我们都希望这个他不一样.
At this point in my life, I'm really not sure if I can handle another heart ache. Maybe I should just start counting down to the 3 months mark. It's easier if I know that there's an end date.
Expiration dating.
I hate myself for being in this situation. I should have listened to myself before it was too late. I think I've reached a point of not being able to let go as easily as I like and not being able to confront him about what he really wants from at this. My guess is that he's not sure what he wants. He just wants to see how things goes. He prob likes me enough to want to see me but he sees no point in committing to it.
My thoughts right this second? This is fucking me up. It's not good for me. Despite how good he makes me feel, I know I'm just going to hit the ground harder in the end.
Oh my god. I have to end this madness.
Then again, I may change my mind the second I see him in the morning. Pray that I have the strength to resist this crazy, stupid thing called Love.
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Alone again, naturally
It's been a while since I last logged into this blog. More than 1 year, in fact. It's also the first time that I'm blogging from my iPad. Hurray! Talk about sharpening my pencil or in this case, a touch screen keyboard.
Anyway, I digress.
This evening, as I was walking home from the car park, I started thinking about what it means to be normal in Singapore. Seriously, I don't think I will ever fitted into the Singapore paradigm.
For example, a typical twenty something Chinese girl in Singapore would have probably have gone to university, starting dating a guy from the same school for about 3 to 4 years. Then they would apply to get a HDB flat and get married. They would host (not to mention paying for) a ridiculous 10 course expensive traditional Wedding dinner for a gazillion distant relatives that they've never met before. Then, they would have 2 kids, struggle to get them into the best schools so that their kids can, in turn, repeat the exact same process their parents did.
What a nightmare. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
I don't think normality suits me. It's like wearing a shirt that every girl in your class is wearing. You try to put it on, hoping that you will get used to it somehow. But you never will because deep down inside, you hate it. Then you pull it off, pick up a pair of scissors and shred the god damm piece of shit into pieces. At last, you feel at peace in your own skin.
I wish I could be normal. I wish I can conform and be contented with how things are. Sure, I see my girl friends Facebook updates about their wedding, their kids and their new flats. Do I get jealous? Yes, sometimes. I feel happy to know that they are happy living their lives. However, at the very same time, I'm scared. I don't want to live my life exactly as the same as my friends.
Are we doomed to be carbon copies of each other? And what about our kids? Are they also doomed to follow our foot steps, just because we fear change?
Sometimes, I feel that living the Singaporean dream is like watching a badly filmed chick flick with a plot so predictable that you wonder why did you waste your time watching it. Why the hell did they even bother making another one?
You know it could have been so much better. You know that if they stayed away from the cliches, things would have been amazing. I'm sure they know it too. But yet, they chose to go down the original path, for the fear that they would disappoint the audiences. Or maybe it's not because they fear what the audience might think or react. Maybe it's simply because they fear that by changing, they might lose everything.
Right now, I feel that I'm standing between the lines of normality and breaking free. If I'm not careful, I may get sucked and consumed by the mind numbing black hole of normality, doomed to a life of being the carbon copy of the next gal on the street.
I am not you.
I shall not be lured into your trap, Singapore.
Anyway, I digress.
This evening, as I was walking home from the car park, I started thinking about what it means to be normal in Singapore. Seriously, I don't think I will ever fitted into the Singapore paradigm.
For example, a typical twenty something Chinese girl in Singapore would have probably have gone to university, starting dating a guy from the same school for about 3 to 4 years. Then they would apply to get a HDB flat and get married. They would host (not to mention paying for) a ridiculous 10 course expensive traditional Wedding dinner for a gazillion distant relatives that they've never met before. Then, they would have 2 kids, struggle to get them into the best schools so that their kids can, in turn, repeat the exact same process their parents did.
What a nightmare. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
I don't think normality suits me. It's like wearing a shirt that every girl in your class is wearing. You try to put it on, hoping that you will get used to it somehow. But you never will because deep down inside, you hate it. Then you pull it off, pick up a pair of scissors and shred the god damm piece of shit into pieces. At last, you feel at peace in your own skin.
I wish I could be normal. I wish I can conform and be contented with how things are. Sure, I see my girl friends Facebook updates about their wedding, their kids and their new flats. Do I get jealous? Yes, sometimes. I feel happy to know that they are happy living their lives. However, at the very same time, I'm scared. I don't want to live my life exactly as the same as my friends.
Are we doomed to be carbon copies of each other? And what about our kids? Are they also doomed to follow our foot steps, just because we fear change?
Sometimes, I feel that living the Singaporean dream is like watching a badly filmed chick flick with a plot so predictable that you wonder why did you waste your time watching it. Why the hell did they even bother making another one?
You know it could have been so much better. You know that if they stayed away from the cliches, things would have been amazing. I'm sure they know it too. But yet, they chose to go down the original path, for the fear that they would disappoint the audiences. Or maybe it's not because they fear what the audience might think or react. Maybe it's simply because they fear that by changing, they might lose everything.
Right now, I feel that I'm standing between the lines of normality and breaking free. If I'm not careful, I may get sucked and consumed by the mind numbing black hole of normality, doomed to a life of being the carbon copy of the next gal on the street.
I am not you.
I shall not be lured into your trap, Singapore.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Surprise! I'm back!
It has been more than 6 months since i last blogged. Cant remember why I stopped in the first place. Maybe I did not have anything interesting to say anymore?
Anyway, read all my previous entries since 2006 and thought about how things have changed. How I have become the person I am. I am still not sure I am happy. It seems that over the last few years, I have just stood still in time.
Neither moving forward or back.
I am not unhappy. I am not happy. I'm just here. Being Me.
Lately, I have been avoiding my friends. Work Friends, Poly friends. I have little interests in going for gatherings. Growing older, I have become very selective of the people I want to spend my time with.
But for him, it always remains a mystery. Sometimes, I think that I am not that important (despite what he claims). I don't really think he needs me. I am not sure of how things are going.
Maybe its going towards an unavoidable end?
Who knows?
Anyway, read all my previous entries since 2006 and thought about how things have changed. How I have become the person I am. I am still not sure I am happy. It seems that over the last few years, I have just stood still in time.
Neither moving forward or back.
I am not unhappy. I am not happy. I'm just here. Being Me.
Lately, I have been avoiding my friends. Work Friends, Poly friends. I have little interests in going for gatherings. Growing older, I have become very selective of the people I want to spend my time with.
But for him, it always remains a mystery. Sometimes, I think that I am not that important (despite what he claims). I don't really think he needs me. I am not sure of how things are going.
Maybe its going towards an unavoidable end?
Who knows?
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